Investment vs. Privilege

When you say “My partner loves me, my partner wants to be with me, and as long as I ask for what I need, my partner will choose to make decisions that cherish and nurture me,” the fears that drive the projection of privilege fade.

I am reading about couple privilege on More Than Two‘s website.  They actually have a list of the differences between privilege and “protecting an investment”, and I’m relieved to see that I fall in the second column.  Not that I’m perfect in any way, but most of the things listed in the privilege column make me go “ugh.”  Humans don’t own each other.

I feel like I need to make the above quote my mantra for a while.  Because I’ve been freaking out and feeling pushed away and less important than I’ve ever felt before.

I’m really glad he is taking care of his needs though.  I just wish it didn’t mean feeling so uncertain.  (Uncertain doesn’t seem like a very harsh word, but in reality I feel like I’m on a teeter-totter between heart-soaring relief and nauseating dread.)

Things are feeling better since out last date night.  Which was last night actually.  In the end we both felt certain that while things are going to be really hard for a few months while we sort out our emotions, that we’re going to be OK.  We were able to reconnect so much to the point where I felt my sense of stability and being loved return.  Those feelings had been missing for months.

Today I went to a close friend’s house whose fiance just broke up with her, and held her and reassured her while she sobbed.  She is so devastated and terrified.  I felt the same way not that long ago, even less than a week ago, when it really felt like I was losing him.  I’m really glad I could be there for her, but at the same time, it was kind of triggering and has brought up a lot of fears and dread again.  Which I’m dealing with by reading this website and writing this blog.

I can’t find my hard copy of More Than Two.  I’ve looked everywhere!  :\

I didn’t realize I’d been hurting him so much for so many years.  But his anger about it explains why I’ve been feeling pushed away and even disliked.  I’m really glad to be aware of it now, because I want to work on healing it.  And there is anger on my side too that I’m terrified of acknowledging and honestly keep repressing out of fear of loss.  I’m glad we have started therapy.  All of this feels too daunting to tackle on our own.  I think we both need the extra support.  It sucks to be feeling this way but the only way to heal it is to shine a light on it and get a good look at it first.  Ugh.

Last night though.  I actually felt the potential budding between us.  I must remember that feeling.  It was a very good one.  ❤

Time to Get Grounded

From the end of 2014 to the beginning of 2016, depression pushed me so low that it squished out my personality/identity and left an empty shell that I couldn’t figure out what to do with.  I tried filling it with the things I had been used to filling it with, but it poured right back out as if through a sieve.  So I experimented and played around with different things until I found new things that began to fill me up.

So when I get visited by its specter, as last night, I have a little over a year of experience that taught me what I should be doing next.  My friend Jake made a humorous post based on a book that used reverse-psychology (which I’ve learned actually works on my stubborn 9-brain) that reminded me of some really basic things I need to be doing to minimize depression’s stay and make it feel unwelcome.

Enough sleep.
Regular healthy meals.
Walk in the sun.
Regular workouts.
Care for my surroundings.
Make connection (without overextending myself or others)
Just be.  Regroup energy.  Bring it around me and do not reach it forward or behind.

Today my plan is to:
Clean the litterboxes
Walk in the sun

And then I will look at my to-do list and see what will present itself.  I do want to go to the pottery studio though.  It’s been closed for two weeks!

Go Home Depression, You’re Drunk

CN: Depression, thoughts of death

My last entry was private.  I don’t know if I can make it public.  Sharing my feelings about my husband, when I am in a needy state, makes me feel so ashamed, and burdensome, because I know they burden him.  In the past he’s said he wants to know them anyway but I’m not sure if that’s true anymore.  I’ll probably find out.

My girlfriend in law suggested I share what I write anyway, and she inspires me with her courage and open vulnerability.  But it’s so hard to share when my feelings are this dark.  I feel as if it places a burden on the listener to do something about it.  But I don’t know.  I’ll try something new.

Tonight was one of the darkest days/evenings that I’ve had in a long time, since the depression I had during and after my ex.  I am suspicious that part of it is not enough sleep.

I haven’t been writing in my paper journal, my giant journal, for months.  I guess it was April when I was on my retreat.  Anyway, I have been avoiding actually expressing myself verbally in writing in any form, and kept feeling like I should.  Sometimes I chose to tick some things off my to-do list instead to give myself a sense of accomplishment and a self-esteem boost.  But tonight I finally sat down and wrote a bunch of stuff out and ugh.  It was a dark sticky mess.  Convinced I was unwanted, but arguing with myself about it, because I also know that I’m loved.  Exploring the physical pain in my body; this depression is trying to come back and it’s crawling all through me like a ghost.  Wishing for death but not wanting to be dead.  Just wishing for an end.  Not believing a happy ending is possible.  Feeling demoted.  Less important than I used to be.  Less special.  Less loved.  Not feeling like I belonged in the house.  Feeling like a stranger.  Feeling really uncomfortable in my skin.  Wishing it would go away.  Wondering what to do.  Thinking I should leave so I could get out of everyone’s way but feeling I belong nowhere.  Sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.  I tried writing “I am wanted” and literally couldn’t.

I finally sat down and did that self care “You feel like shit” app and got as far as drinking a glass of water (which actually did help, especially after crying so much).  The next suggestion was to take a nap, and I’m like, well it’s about bedtime here but I wanted to watch Twin Peaks but I don’t know if I want to watch it right now and would that be a good idea because it’s so dark???

(Answer was yes.)

There are 4 episodes so far in the new series and I watched 3 and 4 tonight.  The first two, and the beginning of the third, were waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy darker than the original.  Whoa.  I mean the original ENDED dark so it makes sense that it picks up again dark.  But it was REALLY DARK!  Anyway 3 and 4 started getting lighter and there were actually a lot of scenes that made me laugh out loud.  (fucking Michael Cera!  Hahahaha)

After that I started getting ready for bed and realized that my dark cloud had lifted and everything looked different.  I looked around and felt I belonged in the house.  It felt like mine.  I felt deserving.  It was OK.  No one is going to kick me out.  I thought about his loyalty and how he has never left a partner no matter how horribly depressed they got.  He just wants me back.  He loves ME.  It’s my depression that doesn’t belong here.  And I am not my depression.  Depression, you can’t have my house.  You can’t have my cats or my clothes or my friends or my husband.  You can stay outside and maybe wander the streets a bit, try out being in a tree or a car (but not my car and not Dan’s car).  Maybe an abandoned car or an empty house or one of those annoying people across the street…no I can’t wish you on anybody.  Go home, go back to the ground and be healed.

I’m still hearing a little voice telling me the good stuff I wrote in the previous paragraph is wrong, but it’s quieter now and easier to ignore.  Persistent and annoying.  And I have a lingering fear and sense of dread that the bad feelings will return and swallow me up again.  Or that they’ll actually be true.  But I’m pretty sure they’re not.  Almost 100% sure they’re not.  😉

Now to catch up on sleep so I can reset my mood.

P.S. I read recently of a study that found that antidepressants don’t really work unless you’re getting eight hours of sleep.  I don’t know if that’s true or not but it did say that to make the most of your antidepressants you should try to get at least eight hours.  Honestly it’s a no-brainer that sleep helps your mood anyway.  Good night.

P.S.2 Last night this wouldn’t post because our internet went down so I’m posting it the next morning.

Freedom

That’s right, I was going to write about freedom.

I always get heavily bogged down under the weight of my own feelings.

I cannot excise them.  I cannot repress them.  (Well, I can, but we all know how well that goes.)

Sometimes my emotions are like rolling waves, hurling me forward and pulling me back in an ecstasy of sadness, love, wistfulness.  Times like this I feel pure and real.  This is what I am made out of.

Sometimes they are a 200 pound lead brick crushing me in the middle of my chest.  Or, like right now, a 200 pound lead towel wrapped around my head, blinding me and suffocating me and repolarizing my thoughts.  Everywhere I look I see enmity.  I see people barely putting up with me.  I see people deliberately keeping goodness from me.  I see cruelty and hatred and disgust.  And I look at myself and look for what flaws I have that are deserving of such things.  I find them and fixate on them and when a legitimate problem arises relating to a flaw, then the rage is incandescent.  I am already such an ugly mess, how dare they rub my face in it like a dog?

I am trying right now to find and maintain some boundaries around how I’m approached when I’ve done something wrong.  Or even… when I’m human.

In the meantime, how can I be free of this fucking towel?  (skip to :16 for a visual representation of my experience)

Yes I want to be lighter so that I am not a pain to others just to deal with every day.

But more importantly I want to be lighter so that I can fly.  So that I can be happy.  Made of lightbeams.  Not steel beams.  Well, maybe a lightbeam as strong as steel?

I just walked backward through my thoughts.  I was thinking about my therapist’s advice about getting out of my brain (let go of the story), feeling the feelings in my body (don’t attach feelings to the story and don’t let them fuel the story), and listening to the messages from my gut.  And I realize that this is exactly what I’m doing in this moment. I realized that yes I had legitimate boundaries to redraw, but that I still felt bad even after taking care of my needs, and that’s not anyone’s responsibility but mine.  Not only is it not fair to the other person, but it’s especially not fair to me.  It’s a form of setting myself up for failure, making sure I put myself in a situation where I don’t get my needs met.  So that I can be angry.  So that it’s allowed.  No, I need to stop giving my power away.  I can be angry and I can use it to carry me forward and then I can let go of it when I’m done with it.  It is a tool, such a very useful and valuable tool.

Also I forgot to take my meds yesterday.  So there’s that.  I’m hoping that means that soon my body will remember what it feels like to be loved.  I felt loved yesterday, and forgot how it felt to be loved today.  It will return, and I’m the only one who can do anything about it.

ALSO I spent all day working on editing a really long video, and the program crashed, corrupting the file, and rendering hours of work useless and unusable.  -_-  Grrrrr

Scattered Thoughts

giphy

Here’s David Bowie eating a flower.

I kind of forgot I had this blog.

Sid is fine.  I took him to the vet and they couldn’t find anything wrong with him.  He’s eating again.  I think he may have been eating something in the kitchen.  It was a mess from preparing some Thanksgiving foods, so he probably had been sneaking around filling up on things that weren’t cat food.

Seriously though, I have been feeling so much better since I made the connections that I did in my last entry.  After that I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my husband and gfil at our friends’ house.  It was our first time introducing her to them and it turned out so wonderful.  Everyone was open-hearted and loving.  I felt so home.  Very family.

When I first read about polyamory years ago it was on DeviantArt.  One of the photographers I followed had a poly relationship with his best friend’s wife.  The three of them were in their 50’s and so cute and happy and loving.  It made me so happy to see the love shining through in his pictures.  He wrote long journal entries about his relationship with them and my heart would just swell with YES.  My first thoughts were, “This is how everybody should live!”  Later I realized that not everyone can live that way or wants to, but for me, it’s just what aligns most with my values.  And I certainly have been in love with many people at the same time, so I know it’s part of who I am.

I have been accepting and integrating the idea that it’s not my fault that I chose a damaging relationship for my first poly relationship.  It was just chance.  It was not my fault.  I am not fatally flawed.  And my therapist, at my last appointment, told me that I will never make this mistake again.  Of course I will make other mistakes.  But this particular one?  It will never happen again.  You won’t believe the calming that happened inside when I let that sink in.  I have been living in fear for the past two years of someone else coming along and running away with my psyche, leaving me hollow without a soul.  (That’s exactly what it felt like the first time.)  But I don’t have to.  Because now I know what to look for, I know how to read the red flags, and I have a stalwartness that I have never had before.  I am less easily influenced by others.  And it feels damn good.

I am starting to think that my personal project for 2017 will be going to a sex therapist to delve into and understand my fears around my sexuality.  Because my interest is awakening, but the terror is not going to sleep.  I won’t be ready to do that next month, but it’s something I want to check in with myself quarterly when I look at my goals.  It feels like a warm-weather endeavor.  XD

I am super excited about working on an office for myself in the basement.  My meowffice.  It’s our priority!!!  I can’t tell you what a joy it is to have someone else tell you “We’re going to make this project for YOU our priority.”  That’s the opposite of my whole childhood.  It makes me feel all warm and squirmy inside.  It fills up some empty spaces with liquid sunshine.  It makes me feel important, which makes me feel alive, like I exist.  It’s so easy for me to feel invisible.  I exist!

I have goals.  Can you believe it?  Isn’t that weird?  I have pottery goals and Etsy shop goals.  I have also been dreaming about learning how to make stickers, like for planners, and sell them.  But the learning curve on that is daunting, and it’s going to cost a lot of money up front, and it’s one of those things where I don’t know if I’m still going to be interested in doing that six months in the future.  It’s really frustrating being this kind of variety-needer when the things that are most inspiring cost a lot of money.  And then I come up against “Well I could get a job” but then I would lose the time and energy I would want to spend on the things… gah.  Whatever.  I get stressed out thinking about it.  I’m just going to release that one to the wind for a couple of months.

I had been thinking about maybe driving for Lyft or something next year, but I heard that Seattle passed a dumb law that makes the experience a lot shittier for the drivers, and basically they have to operate more like a regular taxi service now.  I am very disappoint.

Normally my next retreat would be in December, but for obvious Christmassy reasons, I scheduled it for the beginning of January.  I feel so ready.

Also, we’re coming up on the anniversary of David Bowie’s death.  I’m feeling it in the cold biting air.  On the Blackstar album, you can hear a little whistling wheeze at the end of his words, and it absolutely breaks my heart to hear it.  Every time.  Oh god, and the three new songs from the Lazarus cast soundtrack.  ❤  They are beyond amazing.

I think maybe my rambling is coming to an end.  I am beyond grateful to my therapist for helping me feel like a human again.  I am full of joy that I’m finally feeling like I have the poly family I’ve always wanted.  I need to be a part of something bigger.  My childhood was much too lonely.  I am learning how to coexist with humans, and I look around and see others being so much more extroverted than I am, and feel lacking somewhat.   But it’s more than okay because it’s what’s right for me, and everyone understands and no one makes demands.  It’s just how I am and it makes sense and it’s OK.  I’m learning the right balance for me.

Ugh I hear something on the front porch.  Probably a squirrel but it’s 1:44 a.m. and I’m freaking out now so it’s bedtime for me.  Nope nope nope the motion sensor light is on, I’m done!  Good night!  ;p

P.s. Considering I didn’t hear footsteps, even quiet ones, it’s most likely a squirrel.  But it’s very stressful.  -_-

Phasing in (and why I phased out)

I feel like I’m entering my body again.

I didn’t realize I didn’t feel that way.  But I feel like my consciousness is coming into phase with my body, and I haven’t felt that way for a couple of years.  I’m lining up with myself, my edges are clicking together.  I am realizing how much fear and anxiety has kept me away from myself, and it has been so long that there is no longer any difference between “so scared that I can’t be in my body” and “I’m not in my body and that’s making me feel scared.”  I think the first one was true, and then the second one joined in and they became a feedback loop all over each other.

The other day in therapy I was complaining about my ex still hanging around my friend group.  (My fault for introducing him.  Now they’re friends with him too, and I no longer feel safe in my friend group.)  I mentioned that the only time I’d been able to describe what happened clearly and concisely was with my girlfriend-in-law (gfil).  She wanted me to explain it to her the way I had explained it to my gfil, and I couldn’t.  Not only that, but I started panicking and shut it down immediately.  She asked me to think about it, at least, maybe write about it.  So we could get it out into the room and look at it from all angles and really see it.

I promised I would but after that every time I thought about it I felt rising panic.  At the same time, I ended my friendship with that guy a year ago around Thanksgiving.  And I’m not much better.  I still dread seeing him.  I still want to avoid gatherings if I know he’s going to be there.  And some gatherings are unavoidable.  Waves and waves of anxiety.  I want out of this, and nothing else has worked.  I thought ending our friendship would end the trapped feeling, but it hasn’t.  It helps, but it’s not enough.  And now he’s starting to spend more time with my friend group and it’s making me want to disappear from it.  My therapist said that she’d like to get me to a place where I can feel indifferent around him.  Just feel nothing.  She reminded me that I used to love him, and I felt sick.  She wants to see how that relationship relates to my life story, my family story, my generational story.  At this point I am so sick of being suffused with hatred I’d try almost anything if it would help.  I would love to just not care, and at the same time it feels impossible.

So finally, I wrote about it in my private journal.  I wrote until I made the connection between his manipulation of me and my having been brainwashed by the JWs.  After I left them, my brain felt so vulnerable.  I didn’t know how to think for myself, how to test whether information was true or real, or how to protect myself from psychological predators.  Now, I don’t think of my ex as a predator, but manipulation is really the only way he knows how to deal with people, and I think it’s so ingrained in him that he doesn’t even realize he does it.  He puts on a front to make people like him, and it’s a really kind self he puts out there.  I even saw it early on, but when I brought it to his attention he denied it and even scolded me for thinking he was like that.  If I had known then, I would have just distanced myself from him and we could have still been friends, from a lighthearted and safe distance.  But I ignored my internal warnings and I ignored the concerns of my husband.  As a consequence I spent a year being gaslighted, and when that was pointed out to me by another friend, the horror was so great that the only thing I could do was lock him out completely.  He kept being kind to my face and telling me what I wanted to hear, but never following through on his promises (and he did promise).  It made it so that my intuition would pick up on the truth and I’d bring it to him and say “hey I’m getting this thing from you” and he’d say, “No, no, that’s not true at all.  I promise this and I promise that.”  And I would believe him.  Because why would he lie to me?  (He would lie to himself.)  As a consequence I spent a year being gaslighted, and when that was pointed out to me by another friend, the horror was so great that the only thing I could do was lock him out completely.

Through him I learned to stop trusting myself and to trust his words instead.  Then he kept changing his words.  It’s no wonder all his exes were crazy.  He made them feel that way. I certainly started going crazy.

Because I *knew*.  I knew what he wanted and needed, but he wanted to please me, so he denied it because he thought that was what I wanted.

It all directly correlates to the feelings I had when I stopped believing the JWs.  Realizing I’d been brainwashed all my life, didn’t know how to think for myself or live for myself … the fear.  The fear that your mind is an open flytrap and just anything could come in and take control.  The spiritual concept of surrender does not feel safe after that.

That’s the thing that’s not going away.  That gets resurrected every time I see him.  That makes me feel hypervigilant, suspicious, and anxious.  And very base lizard brain fear.

It’s the JW mind control issues that I need to heal from.  If I can neutralize that terror, I can probably spend time in his space without significant anxiety.  To achieve the goal of indifference and neutrality… right now it seems impossible.

After making that realization, I started to feel calm.  And then the above phasing-in feeling started happening.

I had a wonderful day today with my gfil, doing christmas shopping.  🙂

My cat though.  😦  Sid has stopped eating.  I have to get him to the vet.  He’s eating small amounts… he ate normally on Thursday, less on Friday, small amounts on Saturday, and maybe only a few bites today, even after I gave him his favorite dry food.  D:  I’m feeling really anxious and it’s hard to enjoy my evening.  He won’t even sit near me.  He’s not interested in cuddling.  Something is definitely not right 😦  I left a message at the vet.  I hope they can see him tomorrow.  I don’t want to leave him all day while I’m at the aquarium.

Engentling

It occurred to me yesterday that I probably need a little media break.  I need to take a little time to engentle myself.  I just made that word up but it works!  I have been feeling brittle.  Even in therapy today I was really not interested in going deep.  She teased me a little, which is good, and I have an assignment-ish to write about some things.  But when I think about writing them my insides still say “No!”  So yeah, a little more engentling.  🙂

I did set aside some time on my calendar tomorrow afternoon to make some phone calls.  I decided that was how I was going to balance my desire to keep my finger on the pulse of what’s going on politically with my need to take care of myself sustainably.  I’m going to take a little break from my Facebook feed, at least until after Thanksgiving, but save links to articles and information that is useful and educational.  I already have a bookmark folder in my browser of things that I have read or want to read.  And set aside time on my calendar once a week to read and plan and find scripts for any phone calls that need to be made.  Because I want to do something, but I also need to keep on nourishing my life.  If I can do that, I can take care of myself and our house and still have time and energy to help where I can.  Yet I still want to be close enough to Facebook to not lose my sense of connection.  So I’m checking my messenger a few times a day and checking in with my feel-good groups.

Today was my first day of ignoring my notifications and staying off my feed, and I was a little disappointed I didn’t magically feel great and have tons of energy.  ;p  I had to actually do the work of looking inside for the spot where I sit and hang out there with myself in silence for a while.  Then the peace started to settle in.  I got a little bit done; not as much as I would have liked, but there is more time tomorrow.

Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to do.  And I need the energy to do it!

Stasis

I have been really out of touch with myself since the Trump fucking election.  I got sick immediately and am mostly but not all better.  I finally cried last Monday watching John Oliver.  I am more focused on politics than I ever have been in my whole life put together.  I feel simultaneously more alive and completely dead inside.  I am angry.  And afraid.  And full of horror.  And SO ANGRY.

I have a huge (growing) to-do list and no energy to do it.  I have been zoning out on the computer when I’m home and getting the barest minimum done around the house.  Even that feels like a monumental effort.

I finally blocked some time off this Wednesday to call some higher ups.  I have all the info I need.  It felt really validating to read the post about how to do it when you have social anxiety.  🙂  That part of myself always makes me feel like a failure (thanks dad) but that post took the shame away.

I’m just drawn to things that are soothing right now.  Soothing, but boring.  And ultimately deadening.

Yeah, I am really not interested in going deep with these feelings.  I skipped my healing reading this week because I just didn’t feel like dealing with it.  I felt so gutted that I didn’t have any emotional energy or room for anything else.

Last night we saw the beautiful opera As One about a trans woman.  It was so beautiful.  It made me want to try harder to be happier.

This is a new world, and it’s not a brave one.  Well- we’re all going to have to be brave if we’re going to help each other survive, because no one else is going to save us.  This is reminding me of a Fun song but I can’t remember which one.

About Recent Fears

I’m not going to say much about the election (or AM I?) other than I’m really really disappointed, and I’m feeling everybody’s fear in my body, not to mention my own.

That reminds me, I was going to do a little energy cleansing before bed.  I’m in bed now, in the dark with my laptop, so I hope I don’t forget to get up and do that after I’m done writing this.  Since I usually read what I write about 11 times after writing it, I probably won’t forget.

Anyway.  I can’t be on Facebook for more than a few minutes at a time and am only checking it 1-3 times a day right now.  Immediately I get a sensation of being full up and close the tab to move on to other things.

Now it’s time to start planning for Christmas.  I have been working in my new Bullet Journal for 2017, and watching so many YouTube videos and buying way too many stickers (seriously it’s getting to be a problem and I have to stop).  I made my Christmas planning spread in my Bujo, where I usually put it on my Google Drive.  So this is a fun different thing.  The only bad thing I’m noticing happening is that as I’m looking over last year, I’m remembering some scary things and it’s making me anxious.

I’m really relieved my Bestie is going to be here with me all the way until December 30.  In the past I’ve always been impatient with New Year’s Eve parties because I’d rather have spent the evening at home reflecting on the past year and thinking about all the things that have changed, making hopes and wishes for the new year, and turning it over in quiet solemnity.  But last year around that time Dan was out of town and I decided to push myself to do some really difficult healing work (really I had no idea how difficult it was going to be) and I ended up completely depersonalized.  (Dictionary definition: depersonalisation can consist of a reality or detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience.)  I hadn’t had that much of an out of body experience since I was a kid.  I felt like my consciousness was out of phase with my body, maybe a couple of feet behind it, and I kept forgetting where I was and what was happening.  It terrified the cats.  They were running around the house like mad, every once in a while stopping to stare at me and then run away again.  I tried to take a walk to ground myself and got lost in my own neighborhood.  It felt like I could have been anywhere in any time.  I had to concentrate really really hard to get back home.  When I closed my eyes, I saw crazy visuals as if I had taken hallucinogenic drugs.  The only drug I had had that day was two cups of black tea.

The depersonalization event happened because I was reliving the memories of the same time of year previously, through music.  And the previous time of year was the darkest pit of the depression.  Honestly?  I can’t understand how the human brain can make that much agony in its own self.  What broken creatures we can be.

The depersonalization happened on December 30.  I’m wondering if it would be accurate to call it a mental breakdown.  So I’m feeling iffy about spending New Year’s alone like I usually prefer to.  Luckily my husband has space for me whatever I decide to do.  But I’m terrified of the end of Christmas season.  I’m getting some waves of anxiety beginning to wash up on my shore.  Maybe things will be different, with Wellbutrin, religious use of the happy light, and frequent exercise.   Retreat scheduled for the second full week of January, during which is the anniversary of Bowie’s death.

Bowie’s death.  I just have it in my calendar as ★.  I was already laid so low after the breakdown, but then death in the darkest days of winter felt like being bludgeoned by a rod of emptiness.  It was like a blunt stab, and then void.  When I tried to sleep it felt like the fabric of the universe was tearing, and I could see other dimensions trying to burst through, threatening, unsafe.  Everything felt wrong.

And that was how I STARTED the year.  We all know how 2016 went.  It kept going on like that, but I’d used everything up already.  Bowie’s death just knocked everything I had ready for 2016 completely out of my hands, out of my reach, out of my awareness, and every loss since then just felt like “So it goes.”

Until this election.  Really, the next president doesn’t have much to do with me.  I’m a privileged, financially comfortable white woman, though I’m definitely not straight and identify as gender fluid, I totally pass as cis-het.  My life is ostensibly not going to change.  It would be so easy to just put my head in the sand and pretend like nothing bad is going to happen.  But for all the people who are lgbtqia++, not white, Muslim, disabled or chronically ill, oh my god, I’m terrified for them, and I have to do something to help.  I thought I was helping but no, no it was not enough.  And fuck, where am I going to get the energy I need?

I’ve been waking up, not so much in the sense of being woke; I feel like I am not qualified to label myself as such, but more in a healing, personality, emotional, spiritual sense.  It sure does feel raw.  It gets harder and harder to fall back asleep the more you heal.  Sometimes a part of me wishes I had never gone down this emotional healing route, because I get so tired, but then I have to laugh.  Who on earth would I even be if I had never tried to heal?  A baby.  A womanbaby.  A mess.  Even messier.  Not even a hot mess.  A cold, cold mess.  Maybe a frozen mess.

I’m feeling a little bit bogged down in my mind.  I might as well let the rambling end here.  I mainly wanted to talk about the anxiety that is creeping up on me.  It was really unsettling me earlier this evening.  Though it might also be partly due to the fact I’ve been sick for a couple of days, and that always gets me down.  Maybe I’ll feel better after aquariuming tomorrow and then working out on Tuesday.  This week is so full and busy, and it’s only going to get fuller and busier until Christmas.