I have decided this week is over :)

Saturday is just going to be a bonus day.   🙂

This week I:

1. Had PMS

2. Had to deal with a broken water heater and flooded basement

3. Was seriously wondering whether insanity was my future

4. Think I accidentally took two Wellbutrin in one day some time.

I put seven pills in my smaller container at the beginning of the week. I usually count them every day.  They are supposed to last Sunday through Saturday.  This morning (Friday) there was only one pill left.  Either I miscounted earlier this week, or I took two at some point.  After the meltdown I had yesterday, and the vague memory I have of having counted the correct number earlier in the week, I must have forgotten I’d taken one and taken one again.  Oops.

I was just looking up the possible adverse effects of that, which kind of clinched it for me.  I’ve definitely been feeling more anxious.  More desperate.  Just a general feeling of not-right-in-the-head.  Beginning to worry about myself.  One of the potential, though rare, side effects is seizure.  It can happen up to 36 hours after taking the second dose, and I have no idea which day that was, so hopefully that time has passed and I have nothing to worry about.  Other effects were splitting headache (had one yesterday that I thought was strange), and mild hallucinations.  Earlier today I was watching my screensaver and wondering why the images looked like they were waving and moving in ways they shouldn’t.  I was idly wondering why it seemed like I was hallucinating.  XD  I guess that’s why!

So… I will always count my pills every day.  I don’t always count them.  I will always count them from now on.  Also, I started my period.  Which means PMS is over.  🙂

I did a quick tarot spread for myself before bed.  I decided to ask it “Am I going insane? Am I going to get better? And Am I going to get better than ever?”  The answers with the questions:

Q: Am I going insane?
A: 3 of swords, reversed.  (your mental state is making you make a big deal out of nothing. Things are better than you think they are.  Step back and get the bigger picture.)

Q: Am I going to get better?
A: The Devil, reversed.  (Yes, with work.  You are close to freedom.  Don’t give up and don’t be indecisive.)

Q: Am I going to get better than ever?
A: The Star, reversed. (If I love myself, accept love from others, accept help from others.  If I stop thinking rigidly and allow my mind to adapt to change. If I stop being pessimistic and remember that I am intelligent and gifted.)

They made me cry.  🙂

Also, Twin Peaks is life.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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Mixed feelings on diagnoses

I met with my psych tester today and went over my diagnoses.  First off, I don’t have ADHD.  She says I have the outward symptoms, but the way my brain actually works is very different than the ADHD brain.  And if she were to diagnose me with that, it would be with hyperactive rather than inattentive.  Which really surprised me.  But she said that for me hyperactivity is channeled into hypervigilance, which overwhelms me and causes me to shut down.  Makes sense.  I had no idea I was hypervigilant.

I did get diagnosed with a few things that surprised me.

Major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe.  It kind of gives me chills to read that, since when I was originally diagnosed with depression in 2001, it was just “depression in remission.”  Seeing those words reminds me of my dad, which freaks me out a little bit. But yeah I guess it does feel pretty severe right now!

Adjustment disorder with anxiety.  I had never heard of adjustment disorder, but it’s basically a mild form of PTSD.  Not as severe and “violent” as PTSD is, but still very disruptive to living the life I want.  I had never been diagnosed with anxiety before, but I’m kind of glad, because I was suspicious that I had it and it’s just nice to have confirmation.

Social anxiety disorder.  The tester actually said “severe” social anxiety disorder in person, but the word severe isn’t on the form.  For some reason that diagnosis surprised me.  I thought I was just a whiny baby.  LOL.

The form goes on to list recommendations and ideas for help.

My initial feelings that came up in session were an overwhelming sense of “they caught me out as a fraud.”  Fear of telling my husband and friends that I don’t actually have ADHD which I had been thinking I had for a while, especially fear of a removal of compassion from my husband.  I was talking those feelings out to the tester, through tears, and I knew as they came out of my mouth that they couldn’t be true.  Not logically.  But my feelings in no way believe that.  She helped to remind me that even though I don’t have an ADHD diagnosis, my symptoms are still real and require treatment.  That I’m not a fraud.  That I am actually a brilliant person, and brilliant people tend to have higher expectations for themselves and are way too hard on themselves.  And if things feel too difficult for them, they can give up easily because they have no confidence in their abilities.  Even if their abilities are above average.

Many of the test results came back above average, including my auditory processing (which shocked me!)  Apparently my hypervigilance led to me being very aware of sounds and noises around me, and I’m really sensitive to them.  And because my auditory processing is so high, it gets overloaded in just normal situations.  And then I blank out, space out, etc.  I thought that was fascinating.

She said that I would still be a good candidate for ADHD coaching, even though I don’t specifically have ADHD.  The principles would be the same.

The recommendations on the form included Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Committment Therapy (ACT), and psychodynamic therapy.  I had to look them all up because I didn’t really know what they meant.  I found this page on DBT which has two short videos…that made me sob.  Bascially it’s the kind of therapy that they developed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but found it’s really helpful for other disorders as well.  I read about the other two therapies (ACT sounds nice but not as nice as DBT, and psychodynamic therapy I already do with my therapist) but that one just really stood out to me so I emailed my tester and asked if she had any referrals.  But when I think about getting DBT?  I feel guilty.  That I’m not worthy of it, that other people with more needs should get my time slot instead.  But.  The focus the therapist would give me.  Would be.  So.  Amazing.  And helpful.  D:

There is also a lot of advice on the form for the best work environment: private office or home office, work periods that are short and focused (using the Pomodoro technique for example), breaking tasks into smaller bits, figuring out the time of day I am most productive (how?) and other random things that I already do.  The advice made me feel good, that the way I want to work is actually the most effective for me.

What if I never get better?  What if things are this hard for me forever with no good reason?  And I piss everyone off or worse yet keep hurting people?  That’s what my feelings keep coming back to.  Aaand that’s what I need help with.  Among a million other things.  Gah.

sad_tomato

Investment vs. Privilege

When you say “My partner loves me, my partner wants to be with me, and as long as I ask for what I need, my partner will choose to make decisions that cherish and nurture me,” the fears that drive the projection of privilege fade.

I am reading about couple privilege on More Than Two‘s website.  They actually have a list of the differences between privilege and “protecting an investment”, and I’m relieved to see that I fall in the second column.  Not that I’m perfect in any way, but most of the things listed in the privilege column make me go “ugh.”  Humans don’t own each other.

I feel like I need to make the above quote my mantra for a while.  Because I’ve been freaking out and feeling pushed away and less important than I’ve ever felt before.

I’m really glad he is taking care of his needs though.  I just wish it didn’t mean feeling so uncertain.  (Uncertain doesn’t seem like a very harsh word, but in reality I feel like I’m on a teeter-totter between heart-soaring relief and nauseating dread.)

Things are feeling better since out last date night.  Which was last night actually.  In the end we both felt certain that while things are going to be really hard for a few months while we sort out our emotions, that we’re going to be OK.  We were able to reconnect so much to the point where I felt my sense of stability and being loved return.  Those feelings had been missing for months.

Today I went to a close friend’s house whose fiance just broke up with her, and held her and reassured her while she sobbed.  She is so devastated and terrified.  I felt the same way not that long ago, even less than a week ago, when it really felt like I was losing him.  I’m really glad I could be there for her, but at the same time, it was kind of triggering and has brought up a lot of fears and dread again.  Which I’m dealing with by reading this website and writing this blog.

I can’t find my hard copy of More Than Two.  I’ve looked everywhere!  :\

I didn’t realize I’d been hurting him so much for so many years.  But his anger about it explains why I’ve been feeling pushed away and even disliked.  I’m really glad to be aware of it now, because I want to work on healing it.  And there is anger on my side too that I’m terrified of acknowledging and honestly keep repressing out of fear of loss.  I’m glad we have started therapy.  All of this feels too daunting to tackle on our own.  I think we both need the extra support.  It sucks to be feeling this way but the only way to heal it is to shine a light on it and get a good look at it first.  Ugh.

Last night though.  I actually felt the potential budding between us.  I must remember that feeling.  It was a very good one.  ❤

Time to Get Grounded

From the end of 2014 to the beginning of 2016, depression pushed me so low that it squished out my personality/identity and left an empty shell that I couldn’t figure out what to do with.  I tried filling it with the things I had been used to filling it with, but it poured right back out as if through a sieve.  So I experimented and played around with different things until I found new things that began to fill me up.

So when I get visited by its specter, as last night, I have a little over a year of experience that taught me what I should be doing next.  My friend Jake made a humorous post based on a book that used reverse-psychology (which I’ve learned actually works on my stubborn 9-brain) that reminded me of some really basic things I need to be doing to minimize depression’s stay and make it feel unwelcome.

Enough sleep.
Regular healthy meals.
Walk in the sun.
Regular workouts.
Care for my surroundings.
Make connection (without overextending myself or others)
Just be.  Regroup energy.  Bring it around me and do not reach it forward or behind.

Today my plan is to:
Clean the litterboxes
Walk in the sun

And then I will look at my to-do list and see what will present itself.  I do want to go to the pottery studio though.  It’s been closed for two weeks!

Go Home Depression, You’re Drunk

CN: Depression, thoughts of death

My last entry was private.  I don’t know if I can make it public.  Sharing my feelings about my husband, when I am in a needy state, makes me feel so ashamed, and burdensome, because I know they burden him.  In the past he’s said he wants to know them anyway but I’m not sure if that’s true anymore.  I’ll probably find out.

My girlfriend in law suggested I share what I write anyway, and she inspires me with her courage and open vulnerability.  But it’s so hard to share when my feelings are this dark.  I feel as if it places a burden on the listener to do something about it.  But I don’t know.  I’ll try something new.

Tonight was one of the darkest days/evenings that I’ve had in a long time, since the depression I had during and after my ex.  I am suspicious that part of it is not enough sleep.

I haven’t been writing in my paper journal, my giant journal, for months.  I guess it was April when I was on my retreat.  Anyway, I have been avoiding actually expressing myself verbally in writing in any form, and kept feeling like I should.  Sometimes I chose to tick some things off my to-do list instead to give myself a sense of accomplishment and a self-esteem boost.  But tonight I finally sat down and wrote a bunch of stuff out and ugh.  It was a dark sticky mess.  Convinced I was unwanted, but arguing with myself about it, because I also know that I’m loved.  Exploring the physical pain in my body; this depression is trying to come back and it’s crawling all through me like a ghost.  Wishing for death but not wanting to be dead.  Just wishing for an end.  Not believing a happy ending is possible.  Feeling demoted.  Less important than I used to be.  Less special.  Less loved.  Not feeling like I belonged in the house.  Feeling like a stranger.  Feeling really uncomfortable in my skin.  Wishing it would go away.  Wondering what to do.  Thinking I should leave so I could get out of everyone’s way but feeling I belong nowhere.  Sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.  I tried writing “I am wanted” and literally couldn’t.

I finally sat down and did that self care “You feel like shit” app and got as far as drinking a glass of water (which actually did help, especially after crying so much).  The next suggestion was to take a nap, and I’m like, well it’s about bedtime here but I wanted to watch Twin Peaks but I don’t know if I want to watch it right now and would that be a good idea because it’s so dark???

(Answer was yes.)

There are 4 episodes so far in the new series and I watched 3 and 4 tonight.  The first two, and the beginning of the third, were waaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy darker than the original.  Whoa.  I mean the original ENDED dark so it makes sense that it picks up again dark.  But it was REALLY DARK!  Anyway 3 and 4 started getting lighter and there were actually a lot of scenes that made me laugh out loud.  (fucking Michael Cera!  Hahahaha)

After that I started getting ready for bed and realized that my dark cloud had lifted and everything looked different.  I looked around and felt I belonged in the house.  It felt like mine.  I felt deserving.  It was OK.  No one is going to kick me out.  I thought about his loyalty and how he has never left a partner no matter how horribly depressed they got.  He just wants me back.  He loves ME.  It’s my depression that doesn’t belong here.  And I am not my depression.  Depression, you can’t have my house.  You can’t have my cats or my clothes or my friends or my husband.  You can stay outside and maybe wander the streets a bit, try out being in a tree or a car (but not my car and not Dan’s car).  Maybe an abandoned car or an empty house or one of those annoying people across the street…no I can’t wish you on anybody.  Go home, go back to the ground and be healed.

I’m still hearing a little voice telling me the good stuff I wrote in the previous paragraph is wrong, but it’s quieter now and easier to ignore.  Persistent and annoying.  And I have a lingering fear and sense of dread that the bad feelings will return and swallow me up again.  Or that they’ll actually be true.  But I’m pretty sure they’re not.  Almost 100% sure they’re not.  😉

Now to catch up on sleep so I can reset my mood.

P.S. I read recently of a study that found that antidepressants don’t really work unless you’re getting eight hours of sleep.  I don’t know if that’s true or not but it did say that to make the most of your antidepressants you should try to get at least eight hours.  Honestly it’s a no-brainer that sleep helps your mood anyway.  Good night.

P.S.2 Last night this wouldn’t post because our internet went down so I’m posting it the next morning.

Freedom

That’s right, I was going to write about freedom.

I always get heavily bogged down under the weight of my own feelings.

I cannot excise them.  I cannot repress them.  (Well, I can, but we all know how well that goes.)

Sometimes my emotions are like rolling waves, hurling me forward and pulling me back in an ecstasy of sadness, love, wistfulness.  Times like this I feel pure and real.  This is what I am made out of.

Sometimes they are a 200 pound lead brick crushing me in the middle of my chest.  Or, like right now, a 200 pound lead towel wrapped around my head, blinding me and suffocating me and repolarizing my thoughts.  Everywhere I look I see enmity.  I see people barely putting up with me.  I see people deliberately keeping goodness from me.  I see cruelty and hatred and disgust.  And I look at myself and look for what flaws I have that are deserving of such things.  I find them and fixate on them and when a legitimate problem arises relating to a flaw, then the rage is incandescent.  I am already such an ugly mess, how dare they rub my face in it like a dog?

I am trying right now to find and maintain some boundaries around how I’m approached when I’ve done something wrong.  Or even… when I’m human.

In the meantime, how can I be free of this fucking towel?  (skip to :16 for a visual representation of my experience)

Yes I want to be lighter so that I am not a pain to others just to deal with every day.

But more importantly I want to be lighter so that I can fly.  So that I can be happy.  Made of lightbeams.  Not steel beams.  Well, maybe a lightbeam as strong as steel?

I just walked backward through my thoughts.  I was thinking about my therapist’s advice about getting out of my brain (let go of the story), feeling the feelings in my body (don’t attach feelings to the story and don’t let them fuel the story), and listening to the messages from my gut.  And I realize that this is exactly what I’m doing in this moment. I realized that yes I had legitimate boundaries to redraw, but that I still felt bad even after taking care of my needs, and that’s not anyone’s responsibility but mine.  Not only is it not fair to the other person, but it’s especially not fair to me.  It’s a form of setting myself up for failure, making sure I put myself in a situation where I don’t get my needs met.  So that I can be angry.  So that it’s allowed.  No, I need to stop giving my power away.  I can be angry and I can use it to carry me forward and then I can let go of it when I’m done with it.  It is a tool, such a very useful and valuable tool.

Also I forgot to take my meds yesterday.  So there’s that.  I’m hoping that means that soon my body will remember what it feels like to be loved.  I felt loved yesterday, and forgot how it felt to be loved today.  It will return, and I’m the only one who can do anything about it.

ALSO I spent all day working on editing a really long video, and the program crashed, corrupting the file, and rendering hours of work useless and unusable.  -_-  Grrrrr

Scattered Thoughts

giphy

Here’s David Bowie eating a flower.

I kind of forgot I had this blog.

Sid is fine.  I took him to the vet and they couldn’t find anything wrong with him.  He’s eating again.  I think he may have been eating something in the kitchen.  It was a mess from preparing some Thanksgiving foods, so he probably had been sneaking around filling up on things that weren’t cat food.

Seriously though, I have been feeling so much better since I made the connections that I did in my last entry.  After that I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my husband and gfil at our friends’ house.  It was our first time introducing her to them and it turned out so wonderful.  Everyone was open-hearted and loving.  I felt so home.  Very family.

When I first read about polyamory years ago it was on DeviantArt.  One of the photographers I followed had a poly relationship with his best friend’s wife.  The three of them were in their 50’s and so cute and happy and loving.  It made me so happy to see the love shining through in his pictures.  He wrote long journal entries about his relationship with them and my heart would just swell with YES.  My first thoughts were, “This is how everybody should live!”  Later I realized that not everyone can live that way or wants to, but for me, it’s just what aligns most with my values.  And I certainly have been in love with many people at the same time, so I know it’s part of who I am.

I have been accepting and integrating the idea that it’s not my fault that I chose a damaging relationship for my first poly relationship.  It was just chance.  It was not my fault.  I am not fatally flawed.  And my therapist, at my last appointment, told me that I will never make this mistake again.  Of course I will make other mistakes.  But this particular one?  It will never happen again.  You won’t believe the calming that happened inside when I let that sink in.  I have been living in fear for the past two years of someone else coming along and running away with my psyche, leaving me hollow without a soul.  (That’s exactly what it felt like the first time.)  But I don’t have to.  Because now I know what to look for, I know how to read the red flags, and I have a stalwartness that I have never had before.  I am less easily influenced by others.  And it feels damn good.

I am starting to think that my personal project for 2017 will be going to a sex therapist to delve into and understand my fears around my sexuality.  Because my interest is awakening, but the terror is not going to sleep.  I won’t be ready to do that next month, but it’s something I want to check in with myself quarterly when I look at my goals.  It feels like a warm-weather endeavor.  XD

I am super excited about working on an office for myself in the basement.  My meowffice.  It’s our priority!!!  I can’t tell you what a joy it is to have someone else tell you “We’re going to make this project for YOU our priority.”  That’s the opposite of my whole childhood.  It makes me feel all warm and squirmy inside.  It fills up some empty spaces with liquid sunshine.  It makes me feel important, which makes me feel alive, like I exist.  It’s so easy for me to feel invisible.  I exist!

I have goals.  Can you believe it?  Isn’t that weird?  I have pottery goals and Etsy shop goals.  I have also been dreaming about learning how to make stickers, like for planners, and sell them.  But the learning curve on that is daunting, and it’s going to cost a lot of money up front, and it’s one of those things where I don’t know if I’m still going to be interested in doing that six months in the future.  It’s really frustrating being this kind of variety-needer when the things that are most inspiring cost a lot of money.  And then I come up against “Well I could get a job” but then I would lose the time and energy I would want to spend on the things… gah.  Whatever.  I get stressed out thinking about it.  I’m just going to release that one to the wind for a couple of months.

I had been thinking about maybe driving for Lyft or something next year, but I heard that Seattle passed a dumb law that makes the experience a lot shittier for the drivers, and basically they have to operate more like a regular taxi service now.  I am very disappoint.

Normally my next retreat would be in December, but for obvious Christmassy reasons, I scheduled it for the beginning of January.  I feel so ready.

Also, we’re coming up on the anniversary of David Bowie’s death.  I’m feeling it in the cold biting air.  On the Blackstar album, you can hear a little whistling wheeze at the end of his words, and it absolutely breaks my heart to hear it.  Every time.  Oh god, and the three new songs from the Lazarus cast soundtrack.  ❤  They are beyond amazing.

I think maybe my rambling is coming to an end.  I am beyond grateful to my therapist for helping me feel like a human again.  I am full of joy that I’m finally feeling like I have the poly family I’ve always wanted.  I need to be a part of something bigger.  My childhood was much too lonely.  I am learning how to coexist with humans, and I look around and see others being so much more extroverted than I am, and feel lacking somewhat.   But it’s more than okay because it’s what’s right for me, and everyone understands and no one makes demands.  It’s just how I am and it makes sense and it’s OK.  I’m learning the right balance for me.

Ugh I hear something on the front porch.  Probably a squirrel but it’s 1:44 a.m. and I’m freaking out now so it’s bedtime for me.  Nope nope nope the motion sensor light is on, I’m done!  Good night!  ;p

P.s. Considering I didn’t hear footsteps, even quiet ones, it’s most likely a squirrel.  But it’s very stressful.  -_-

Phasing in (and why I phased out)

I feel like I’m entering my body again.

I didn’t realize I didn’t feel that way.  But I feel like my consciousness is coming into phase with my body, and I haven’t felt that way for a couple of years.  I’m lining up with myself, my edges are clicking together.  I am realizing how much fear and anxiety has kept me away from myself, and it has been so long that there is no longer any difference between “so scared that I can’t be in my body” and “I’m not in my body and that’s making me feel scared.”  I think the first one was true, and then the second one joined in and they became a feedback loop all over each other.

The other day in therapy I was complaining about my ex still hanging around my friend group.  (My fault for introducing him.  Now they’re friends with him too, and I no longer feel safe in my friend group.)  I mentioned that the only time I’d been able to describe what happened clearly and concisely was with my girlfriend-in-law (gfil).  She wanted me to explain it to her the way I had explained it to my gfil, and I couldn’t.  Not only that, but I started panicking and shut it down immediately.  She asked me to think about it, at least, maybe write about it.  So we could get it out into the room and look at it from all angles and really see it.

I promised I would but after that every time I thought about it I felt rising panic.  At the same time, I ended my friendship with that guy a year ago around Thanksgiving.  And I’m not much better.  I still dread seeing him.  I still want to avoid gatherings if I know he’s going to be there.  And some gatherings are unavoidable.  Waves and waves of anxiety.  I want out of this, and nothing else has worked.  I thought ending our friendship would end the trapped feeling, but it hasn’t.  It helps, but it’s not enough.  And now he’s starting to spend more time with my friend group and it’s making me want to disappear from it.  My therapist said that she’d like to get me to a place where I can feel indifferent around him.  Just feel nothing.  She reminded me that I used to love him, and I felt sick.  She wants to see how that relationship relates to my life story, my family story, my generational story.  At this point I am so sick of being suffused with hatred I’d try almost anything if it would help.  I would love to just not care, and at the same time it feels impossible.

So finally, I wrote about it in my private journal.  I wrote until I made the connection between his manipulation of me and my having been brainwashed by the JWs.  After I left them, my brain felt so vulnerable.  I didn’t know how to think for myself, how to test whether information was true or real, or how to protect myself from psychological predators.  Now, I don’t think of my ex as a predator, but manipulation is really the only way he knows how to deal with people, and I think it’s so ingrained in him that he doesn’t even realize he does it.  He puts on a front to make people like him, and it’s a really kind self he puts out there.  I even saw it early on, but when I brought it to his attention he denied it and even scolded me for thinking he was like that.  If I had known then, I would have just distanced myself from him and we could have still been friends, from a lighthearted and safe distance.  But I ignored my internal warnings and I ignored the concerns of my husband.  As a consequence I spent a year being gaslighted, and when that was pointed out to me by another friend, the horror was so great that the only thing I could do was lock him out completely.  He kept being kind to my face and telling me what I wanted to hear, but never following through on his promises (and he did promise).  It made it so that my intuition would pick up on the truth and I’d bring it to him and say “hey I’m getting this thing from you” and he’d say, “No, no, that’s not true at all.  I promise this and I promise that.”  And I would believe him.  Because why would he lie to me?  (He would lie to himself.)  As a consequence I spent a year being gaslighted, and when that was pointed out to me by another friend, the horror was so great that the only thing I could do was lock him out completely.

Through him I learned to stop trusting myself and to trust his words instead.  Then he kept changing his words.  It’s no wonder all his exes were crazy.  He made them feel that way. I certainly started going crazy.

Because I *knew*.  I knew what he wanted and needed, but he wanted to please me, so he denied it because he thought that was what I wanted.

It all directly correlates to the feelings I had when I stopped believing the JWs.  Realizing I’d been brainwashed all my life, didn’t know how to think for myself or live for myself … the fear.  The fear that your mind is an open flytrap and just anything could come in and take control.  The spiritual concept of surrender does not feel safe after that.

That’s the thing that’s not going away.  That gets resurrected every time I see him.  That makes me feel hypervigilant, suspicious, and anxious.  And very base lizard brain fear.

It’s the JW mind control issues that I need to heal from.  If I can neutralize that terror, I can probably spend time in his space without significant anxiety.  To achieve the goal of indifference and neutrality… right now it seems impossible.

After making that realization, I started to feel calm.  And then the above phasing-in feeling started happening.

I had a wonderful day today with my gfil, doing christmas shopping.  🙂

My cat though.  😦  Sid has stopped eating.  I have to get him to the vet.  He’s eating small amounts… he ate normally on Thursday, less on Friday, small amounts on Saturday, and maybe only a few bites today, even after I gave him his favorite dry food.  D:  I’m feeling really anxious and it’s hard to enjoy my evening.  He won’t even sit near me.  He’s not interested in cuddling.  Something is definitely not right 😦  I left a message at the vet.  I hope they can see him tomorrow.  I don’t want to leave him all day while I’m at the aquarium.

Engentling

It occurred to me yesterday that I probably need a little media break.  I need to take a little time to engentle myself.  I just made that word up but it works!  I have been feeling brittle.  Even in therapy today I was really not interested in going deep.  She teased me a little, which is good, and I have an assignment-ish to write about some things.  But when I think about writing them my insides still say “No!”  So yeah, a little more engentling.  🙂

I did set aside some time on my calendar tomorrow afternoon to make some phone calls.  I decided that was how I was going to balance my desire to keep my finger on the pulse of what’s going on politically with my need to take care of myself sustainably.  I’m going to take a little break from my Facebook feed, at least until after Thanksgiving, but save links to articles and information that is useful and educational.  I already have a bookmark folder in my browser of things that I have read or want to read.  And set aside time on my calendar once a week to read and plan and find scripts for any phone calls that need to be made.  Because I want to do something, but I also need to keep on nourishing my life.  If I can do that, I can take care of myself and our house and still have time and energy to help where I can.  Yet I still want to be close enough to Facebook to not lose my sense of connection.  So I’m checking my messenger a few times a day and checking in with my feel-good groups.

Today was my first day of ignoring my notifications and staying off my feed, and I was a little disappointed I didn’t magically feel great and have tons of energy.  ;p  I had to actually do the work of looking inside for the spot where I sit and hang out there with myself in silence for a while.  Then the peace started to settle in.  I got a little bit done; not as much as I would have liked, but there is more time tomorrow.

Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.  I have a lot to do.  And I need the energy to do it!