I’m not going to say much about the election (or AM I?) other than I’m really really disappointed, and I’m feeling everybody’s fear in my body, not to mention my own.
That reminds me, I was going to do a little energy cleansing before bed. I’m in bed now, in the dark with my laptop, so I hope I don’t forget to get up and do that after I’m done writing this. Since I usually read what I write about 11 times after writing it, I probably won’t forget.
Anyway. I can’t be on Facebook for more than a few minutes at a time and am only checking it 1-3 times a day right now. Immediately I get a sensation of being full up and close the tab to move on to other things.
Now it’s time to start planning for Christmas. I have been working in my new Bullet Journal for 2017, and watching so many YouTube videos and buying way too many stickers (seriously it’s getting to be a problem and I have to stop). I made my Christmas planning spread in my Bujo, where I usually put it on my Google Drive. So this is a fun different thing. The only bad thing I’m noticing happening is that as I’m looking over last year, I’m remembering some scary things and it’s making me anxious.
I’m really relieved my Bestie is going to be here with me all the way until December 30. In the past I’ve always been impatient with New Year’s Eve parties because I’d rather have spent the evening at home reflecting on the past year and thinking about all the things that have changed, making hopes and wishes for the new year, and turning it over in quiet solemnity. But last year around that time Dan was out of town and I decided to push myself to do some really difficult healing work (really I had no idea how difficult it was going to be) and I ended up completely depersonalized. (Dictionary definition: depersonalisation can consist of a reality or detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience.) I hadn’t had that much of an out of body experience since I was a kid. I felt like my consciousness was out of phase with my body, maybe a couple of feet behind it, and I kept forgetting where I was and what was happening. It terrified the cats. They were running around the house like mad, every once in a while stopping to stare at me and then run away again. I tried to take a walk to ground myself and got lost in my own neighborhood. It felt like I could have been anywhere in any time. I had to concentrate really really hard to get back home. When I closed my eyes, I saw crazy visuals as if I had taken hallucinogenic drugs. The only drug I had had that day was two cups of black tea.
The depersonalization event happened because I was reliving the memories of the same time of year previously, through music. And the previous time of year was the darkest pit of the depression. Honestly? I can’t understand how the human brain can make that much agony in its own self. What broken creatures we can be.
The depersonalization happened on December 30. I’m wondering if it would be accurate to call it a mental breakdown. So I’m feeling iffy about spending New Year’s alone like I usually prefer to. Luckily my husband has space for me whatever I decide to do. But I’m terrified of the end of Christmas season. I’m getting some waves of anxiety beginning to wash up on my shore. Maybe things will be different, with Wellbutrin, religious use of the happy light, and frequent exercise. Retreat scheduled for the second full week of January, during which is the anniversary of Bowie’s death.
Bowie’s death. I just have it in my calendar as ★. I was already laid so low after the breakdown, but then death in the darkest days of winter felt like being bludgeoned by a rod of emptiness. It was like a blunt stab, and then void. When I tried to sleep it felt like the fabric of the universe was tearing, and I could see other dimensions trying to burst through, threatening, unsafe. Everything felt wrong.
And that was how I STARTED the year. We all know how 2016 went. It kept going on like that, but I’d used everything up already. Bowie’s death just knocked everything I had ready for 2016 completely out of my hands, out of my reach, out of my awareness, and every loss since then just felt like “So it goes.”
Until this election. Really, the next president doesn’t have much to do with me. I’m a privileged, financially comfortable white woman, though I’m definitely not straight and identify as gender fluid, I totally pass as cis-het. My life is ostensibly not going to change. It would be so easy to just put my head in the sand and pretend like nothing bad is going to happen. But for all the people who are lgbtqia++, not white, Muslim, disabled or chronically ill, oh my god, I’m terrified for them, and I have to do something to help. I thought I was helping but no, no it was not enough. And fuck, where am I going to get the energy I need?
I’ve been waking up, not so much in the sense of being woke; I feel like I am not qualified to label myself as such, but more in a healing, personality, emotional, spiritual sense. It sure does feel raw. It gets harder and harder to fall back asleep the more you heal. Sometimes a part of me wishes I had never gone down this emotional healing route, because I get so tired, but then I have to laugh. Who on earth would I even be if I had never tried to heal? A baby. A womanbaby. A mess. Even messier. Not even a hot mess. A cold, cold mess. Maybe a frozen mess.
I’m feeling a little bit bogged down in my mind. I might as well let the rambling end here. I mainly wanted to talk about the anxiety that is creeping up on me. It was really unsettling me earlier this evening. Though it might also be partly due to the fact I’ve been sick for a couple of days, and that always gets me down. Maybe I’ll feel better after aquariuming tomorrow and then working out on Tuesday. This week is so full and busy, and it’s only going to get fuller and busier until Christmas.